Christmas time in 2015 I had a good rotation of men. One day after another.
One of the great things about Tinder dating is that you get to hear the interesting life stories of men you probably would not encounter. Tinder was the first time I went on dates with African-American men or men in the Diaspora.(Well, there was one time I met a biracial lawyer guy in Ohio on eHarmony like 5 years before. He told a lot of corny jokes that only he laughed at) This was a new experience for me. Prince was the first black man I dated. I still catch flack from some men for having not dated many black men. How much is enough?
2015 racial tensions were high. The Black Lives Matter movement was emerging as a force that could not be dismissed by the mainstream media. There are not many black people in San Diego. It is a border town that despite it’s proximity to Mexico and having a significant Mexican-descendant population, has the reputation of being pretty white. Given this setting, it was interesting to have a date with a Black officer between my dates with Prince to see what life was like for him at the time.
December 15, 2015- San Diego
The Humans of Tinder: last night I went to a comedy show where you can bring your own booze with the romantic date dude. I’ll call him Hakeem, the Prince of Zamunda because he is certainly looking for a queen. He said he was looking for a wife. The show was much more funny with the wine he brought. After the show, we had Thai food. He looked at me and said “I like you, I want to make this work”. OK, wow. No one has ever said that to me. Meanwhile, I have other dates promised to others. But the Prince is ahead of the others.
Today I had a lunch date with a guy who is a counselor at a prison.
He chose his favorite Vietnamese place for us to eat pho. He’s originally from Brooklyn and his uncle choreographed the Lindy-hop scene in the Spike Lee film. He’s a fan of black cinema. He told me he was shocked to see how some of his colleagues react to the Black Lives Matter movement. Even said to see them make hurtful comments on social media. He said that when he moved into his apartment people looked at him with a side-eye and he would catch them staring at him with looks of suspicion. He is this big tall black guy who did not look in place in his neighborhood. However, all that changed the day he accidentally forgot to take off his lanyard from work before coming home. “Your lanyard?”, I asked. Yes, it looks like a police officer badge and it says I work at a corrections facility, he replied. “Ever since then, people have been smiling and waving at me when they see me”, he added.
We talked about everything from the Apollo theater to how he doesn’t go to church anymore. He said he felt like people were not genuine to what was being preached. No one at his elderly mom’s church offers to give her a ride to service. He gave her his nice Letterman jacket for donations to the poor, but the deacon took it for himself. I would be very disappointed and hurt about that if I were him too. We also talked a lot about food because he’s a Lil chunky, but sweet and attractive. I think I have met men I could fix up with my girlfriends! Anyway, I wanted to share because there are many “good” men out there who are highly educated, attractive and solid people. I’m keeping Hakeem the Prince of Zamunda tho 😉
The officer texted me a few times after that saying that he was expecting me to hit him up. I don’t do that because I personally believe in a guy pursuing a girl. I like to give time to men who show they are interested in me. Prince did that. He was constantly communicating with me. I have noticed even on a first tinder date guys say they go on what they think are good dates, but they never heard from the girl afterward. It’s like both parties are waiting for the other to make a move. Men would probably get better results if they were the ones to take the initiative. Anyway, I told the officer that he had not heard from me because I started dating someone.
It happened almost 3 years ago, but I still compare my first date with Prince with all subsequent first dates. He was the master of first impressions. I can still visualize the way he was sitting at the table of the romantically-lit restaurant while he was waiting for me. He couldn’t see me when I was walking up, but he was leaning forward, the sleeves of his sweaters rolled up- like he was anxious and ready to dive into something. It was something good while it lasted. It was crazy how a cast of characters started to emerge while I was dating him. There was a Soul Glo and my mom, like Lisa’s dad, tried to interfere and fix me up with another man.
Prince first appeared on my Humans of Tinder posts on Facebook almost by accident. You see, on our first date, I mentioned that I liked to go salsa dancing. He said he did not know how to salsa dance, but that he knew of a place that night we could go to if I was willing to teach him. I thought that was brave because many men I have dated hated the idea of going out of their comfort zone and potentially being embarrassed. I really do not like the idea of getting into a stranger’s car, but he said I could take a picture and send it to my mom saying I am going with this man. He said it jokingly, but I did take a picture. My mom lives in a different time zone (plus, I have better luck getting in touch with her via Facebook than text, so I posted his picture on Facebook with a message to my mom that I was going out with him and have his pic up in case something happens to me. I am blurring out his face because I never asked him permission to post publically.
Friends started commenting like mad about his good looks, his romantic date planning, and that he was a good catch! I posted about him during and after the date and about our subsequent dates. My friends really liked him and asked about him often- even when I was dating other men at the same time lol!
Prince was from an African country. No, not Nigeria! He was from a country in Southern Africa. African men have a bad reputation in the United States when it comes to dating American women. With shows like 90- Day Fiance (my guilty pleasure), there is even more suspicion around them just wanting a green card. From “friends” to the lady at the nail shop- people warned me that he probably had a whole other family or wife somewhere else.
It was sometime after we started dating that he told me a close relative was the prime minister back in his home country. It did not surprise me, there were several cues that I picked up on that told me he had a relatively privileged life. I was more amused at how accurate my nickname for him was. Like Lisa, I did not find out just how privileged he was well into dating him.
Here is how the first date went according to my Facebook post:
December 2, 2015
This is why I get along so well with foreign men: American men 0, Foreign men a million points! We met on tinder and he asked for my number. I said I only give out my number after meeting in person. He immediately chose a restaurant and made reservations for the next day. As you can see, this is not Sonics or a coffee shop. He ordered a nice bottle of wine to start. I ordered the best food I’ve had in awhile. I told him I liked to Salsa dance and he said he did not know how , but asked if I would teach him. So after dinner we went to a Wednesday night salsa club. Not many men would ever go for fear of looking stupid. Anyway, I wanted to share positivity after my other frustrating “dates” because if you think you’re single because you are a “nice guy” , it’s probably because you’re too lazy to plan a date and take a risk. If you want a lady, you have to show her she is one and make an effort
Looking back at the short post of our first date, I am cracking up at how similar I sound to the Americans who find lovers abroad on 90-day Fiance! I had just gotten out of a slew of bad dates with men who happened to be American. One, took me to the Sonics drive through in his luxury car and told me “you can have ANYTHING on the menu”. To be honest, I think I do have a bias because I first started dating while I was living in Mexico. I have noticed that non-American men are more romantic and desire to have a relationship leading to marriage than American men. However, in the three years since the date, I am no longer sure I can generalize groups of men into categories. I have dated men around the world of different races and ethnicities and I do not have a preference. I am an equal opportunity lover. It is interesting to look back on my posts and see some things that I would not say today. Shows how much I have grown.
A few weeks ago, I posted on my Facebook and Instagram this viral tweet.
I have noticed the same trend: for some reason, Hollywood cannot see a black woman be a happy woman with a prince. Movies depict her as the corporate career woman who has a lot going for her. She is the ultimate boss lady- making major moves as the CEO, has a great sense of fashion, yet her romantic lead is the struggling man. He is broke, maybe even younger, sometimes even homeless, and needs a handout to get him off his feet. She is expected to lift him up, to invest in him, to help him see his potential- to provide for him. Her happiness is never the focus of these films. It’s more of you’re single because you have high standards- lower them and you’ll find a man, you can dust off. YES! This IS a trend. Frankly, it’s enraging to me!
Black women are expected to save the day damn near in every aspect of life- in voting rights, fighting for civil rights, in being the office mother, nurturing students, being the matriarch of her family, take care of other people’s children AND BUILD UP A GROWN ASS MAN?? Tuh! When does she ever get a reprieve from constantly working to help others? Who is investing in her? Why can’t even Hollywood even let her dream about being swept up by a handsome man who is wealthy, a gentleman who treats her like a princess?
This is no anti-feminist *ish! All around the world there are romantic stories that make the big screen in Hollywood, Bollywood, Korean Drama where their women are the love interest of charming, handsome, wealthy men who treat them wonderfully and give them outward displays of affection and most importantly can provide for them a better life that relieves them of their everyday struggles. After all, isn’t that what entertainment is about- an escape from your reality? A short time to fantasize? Why is this not seen in Black films?
This is not only a phenomenon seen in black films, black women often tell me that their friends and family shame them when they say they want a man who is at least as equally educated as her and can contribute financially more than her to their household. They are called gold diggers and told they will remain single for holding these rather simple standards that are universal anywhere else in the world. Go to another country and see if parents don’t threaten their daughter should she dare to bring home a man who could not provide for her.
In my Facebook and Instagram post, I said I wanted to start blogging about the wealthy men I dated (well almost all of the men posted would fall into that category even though I don’t mention it). I want to show that despite what films show and what people might say, there are good men who have successful careers and may even be wealthy who want to be with a black woman. These Tyler Perry & movies and such may be telling us subconsciously that we are less than and deserve less, but that is not the case! I am about truth-telling so I am starting a series of posts with a Facebook fan favorite- “Prince”. He was a Tinder that I dated for some time.
It ends up being perfect to follow this conversation because Coming to America is honestly the only “black film” where a wealthy man desires a more humble black woman and gives her a good life. Lisa’s father in the film,like damn near every other father in Korean drama, Bollywood, or whatever wants the best for his daughter. He wants her to marry a man who can take care of her when he’s gone. (Ugh, makes me mad just thinking how this basic concept is rare in black films)
Although Prince Akeem, like the common trope in black films plays the janitor in most of the film, surprise b*tch! He’s a real prince with his portrait on the currency.
While I was dating Prince, I laughed with my sister about the similarities between my life and Coming to America. I told her that when I was little, I never understood why Lisa was so angry Prince Akeem hid the fact that he was a prince from her. Now, I totally understand and when I watch the movie I get so angry that I am not sure if I would have forgiven him or married him. Why? she asked. Because, I don’t like when men lie and he lied with an undertone of distrust or testing her. He lied assuming that she was a gold digger, that the only reason she would ever like him was for his money. Don’t go into dating a woman if you are suspicious enough to have to “test” her. This is like men who plan on coffee dates or go half because they are scared of being used. Also, don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. That is playing with someone’s emotions.
Anyway, enjoy the next posts about “Prince”. You are allowed to dream about being treated like a princess!
I need to have a word with Tyler Perry, Steve Harvey and these other writers.
Last Friday I told you all on Facebook about a guy I nicknamed Vanilla Latte, but as you see, his name changed. I was my usual ditsy, absent-minded-professor self and totally forgot that there was an important lecture from Angela Davis and another philosopher on ethics and language Friday night at 7 pm-the same date and time for our date in the happenin’ Uptown district of Oakland! In my defense, WHO SCHEDULES A PHILOSOPHY LECTURE ON A FRIDAY NIGHT?!
So, I had the awkward task of admitting my error and asking him if we could possibly push back the date until 9 PM for an event I forgot about on campus. His response was that he noticed a lot of people double book dates and he did not want to be the second choice. What? I was honestly shocked at his response. I am sure there were a few men who have asked me to schedule a date for later time because work caught up with them or something came up and I never gave it a second chance. Well… there was that one time I flipped out on a guy but we knew each other for a long time and… I was young. Hehe. Anyway, him jumping to the assumption that I was pushing back our date because someone better came along rubbed me the wrong way. Was he not confident in himself? Why would he think about his competition? Or even care if I was dating other people? But, I played it cool.
“What event are you going to?” he asked. “It’s a sold out Angela Davis event and I totally forgot it was on a Friday night”, I responded. He replied that he supposed he could push back the date, but he was planning on going somewhere else if we hit it off. ‘I hope that doesn’t mean what I think it means’ I said to myself.
Of course, the event started 30 minutes late. Jeezus! I had anxiety during the talk. It was good, but it was running over time and the audience including myself was getting restless. I was thinking about messaging him to cancel, but I am a woman of her word so I left the event before it was over and took a Lyft to the bar.
It was a new pop-up bar that did not even have a name on the outside. When he saw me he had a big smile. I guess I do look like my pictures! He said the place was too loud so we walked to another bar. We sat down and ordered some drinks.
He told me he grew up all around the world. He was from everywhere: Texas, up and down the West Coast, and worked in parts of Asia. He had a philanthropic heart as he dedicated much of his life to working for non-profits before landing a corporate job in the Bay Area. In the story of his life, he mentioned many friends who were missionaries and the fact he went to Divinity school. I asked about how he met his missionary friends. He kinda shifted his weight, took a sip of his drink, looked down and said that he used to be religious. He was going to school to be a missionary but now he’s an atheist…. or agnostic… he’s not sure what he is anymore.
So, what made you go from Divinity school to become an atheist? I asked. It was a low-point of his life- a heartbreak that led him to question the existence of God. He was engaged while he was doing the Lord’s work in Asia, but she ended it and never gave him a reason why. He was so sure she was the one and that ordained for them to be together- that he wondered if he could really hear God’s voice. “Is this my voice, my will, or what God has for me?” he asked himself. It seemed like a reasonable question that probably every believer asks his or herself. I told him that I understood how he ended up at his present state since I too have been disappointed by people in the church and have encountered major life disappointments yet never doubted the existence of God or faulted him for the actions of human beings. On the other hand, I have seen people donning the clerical collar who say they do not believe the stories in the Bible are real, rather the lessons are of value for a code of ethics to relate to one another in the world.
He seemed more comfortable that I understood and did not judge him. He said we had a lot in common because we were both raised religious. If anything, he said he’s a Christian-Atheist. He still believes in Jesus’ vision of the Kingdom of God and is dedicated to seeing that vision come to fruition here on earth. I could dig that. It did not seem contradictory to me from a philosophical view. Interestingly in the talk, the author of the ethics book said that in order to subscribe to a system of ethics, one has to imagine s/he is part of a network- a world that is interconnected and that things have agreed on values. Ethics is a lot like science fiction, he argued where ethicists create another world- an idyllic world. I am not saying the Bible is science fiction. I understand what it means to believe in something and what is required to turn that into action. He has not told many of his friends he’s an atheist- a select few know. He sometimes visits one of his past churches from previous stages of his life, but he goes to see his friends. They don’t know he’s walked away from believing in God.
I felt sad about his heartbreak. When he told me, it confirmed my suspicion that he had an issue when he made a comment about being a second date. Perhaps, his fiance left him for someone or something else. His body language was a little too close for my taste. Clearly, he did not go to a church where the “side-hug” was the closest you could get to touching the opposite sex. Haha! His legs brushed against mine at times. He did it on purpose.
He suggested we get dessert, but I told him I had to take out the dog I was dogsitting one last time and go to bed. He insisted he could drop me off and we continue but I said no, we can save it for another night. He proposed Sunday. I did give him my name and number which I regret because the only context I would see him again is for a friend. I should have not given him the wrong idea. He seems like a nice guy, but I do not think he are a match. He texted on Sunday that he was on a deadline so he was wondering if Monday or Tuesday were ok. I could have written a snarky response to that text, considering how we started out but I did not respond at all.
It’s Tinder Tuesday! Today’s blog is about Saturday’s date at Hakkasan you saw on Instagram. This date goes to show you the power of having faith and an attitude of expectancy on a date vs the “what if?” attitude.
Coffee dates are as basic as pumpkin spice lattes with yoga pants and early 2000’s uggs.If you go into the date with skepticism about being “catfished” or getting a crazy– that’s what you are going to get. You spend money gambling on Fantasy Football, going to Vegas, or indulging in extreme sports why can’t you bring that same sense of adventure or risk on a date?! If you cannot afford a dinner on someone who you don’t hit it off with, you shouldn’t be dating. People are people, they shouldn’t have to prove themselves.
He is an older man. We got a lot of stares. I’ve gotten stares on dates before but this was different. I have dated a few older men before where people probably thought he was my sugar daddy, but this dude rolled out the red carpet better than anyone else. OK, maybe he’s competing with Prince now for best first impression.
I am not sure how old Mr. Dior 999 is because his age was hidden in his profile. I am not the best at math, but when he was giving me the run down of his life and told me his age, the numbers did not add up. Anyway, he took charge of planning the date through the app and said he would be taking me to dinner at Hakkasan Saturday night. Now, I was really excited because a former Tinder date asked me to this place, but could not get reservations with two weeks lead time, so we went somewhere else. From the Google search, the restaurant looked like a great place with a romantic ambiance. The guy executed chivalry, asking if I wanted to have him pick me up or meet him there and confirmed the date two days before- this is something few men do. If you don’t confirm- I won’t show up. Women put a lot of time and effort when preparing for a date. Men should match that effort.
I hate being late. He said that he would be there super early because he didn’t want me to wait around for him. Good! I hate waiting for men. Unfortunately, my Lyft driver took longer than expected to get to my house and she told me she did not have a FastTrack pass to get over the bridge nor cash for the tolls. Ugh, Seriously??! I was so frustrated because this guy already showed me a lot of effort. I messaged him and he said no worries, just get here safe and told me what table number he was sitting at.
When I finally got to the restaurant and the host escorted me to his table, he stood up to greet me with a big smile. “You look like your pictures,” he said. He handed me a small Sephora bag. “I got you this gift”. “Can I open it now?”, I asked. Yes. I unwrapped the small item enveloped in tissue paper to find a tube of bright red lipstick- Dior Ultra Rouge 999. He said that he went to Sephora and showed the lady my Tinder pictures and asked me what lipstick would look good on me. Wow, I thought. That was a lot of effort for a first date! The sentiment was very sweet. He did not know that my birthday was just a few weeks before and I had made a resolution to wear more bright lipstick because I am not a lipstick or makeup person, but I need to get outside of my comfort zone. I noticed he likes the color red because he had a single fingernail painted red for abuse awareness.
He included the receipt for the lipstick in the bag and told me that I could return it if I did not like it. I do not like to return gifts. But when I tried it on when I got home I was a little uncomfortable with the loudness. I realized I ditched the receipt with the bag at the restaurant. I googled Sephora to see if they could exchange without a receipt. I saw that this was no cheap tube of lipstick! It was much more than I would ever pay. I’ll keep it. I thought about how he contrasted to male friends I talk to and the Tinder dates that I have gone out with who say they like to stick with coffee or drinks because a girl might be crazy, she may not look like her pictures, or they might not hit it off. They rather not spend money on something or someone until they prove they are worth more than a Chilli’s 2 for $22.
I’ve always thought that was a sign of a bad attitude and a lack of faith. I’ve you’re going on a date with a suspicion, you’re going to attract shady people. Yes, people lie, people post old pictures, but do you really want to put that on EVERY potential first date. This guy did not know for sure if I was the girl in the pictures or if I was crazy or boring, but he had faith that I was. And if I was indeed the girl in the pictures, how may I want to be treated?
We had a great conversation. He was a cool guy. He was in the finance world and cared a lot about helping people. He helped fundraise hundreds of thousands of dollars for nonprofits. He was obviously divorced at his age and became a single father after his marriage. He told me I was the first date he had in a long time. He told me he showed my pictures to his friends and family before we went out. I do not know how many courses we had, but the food was delicious! He enjoyed serving my plate. He said he had been to the restaurant many times before alone so it was good to have someone else with him. He asked me if he could introduce me as his date. “Yes, well, I AM your date”, I responded. I wondered if he asked me that because of the stares we got or that he thought I might be ashamed to be with him. If I were ashamed, I would not be on a date with him.
When we left the restaurant, he greeted the bartender and the manager and introduced me as his date. The manager kinda looked me up and down, Haha! Prolly wondering ‘what in the world?’ He thanked them for getting him a table. “Ah, that’s how he managed to get us into this place with less than a week notice! He knows people” I thought.
We went for cocktails afterward at a speakeasy. That’s when the stares really came in. It was kinda funny because people would look and when I made eye contact with them, they would quickly look away to act like they weren’t staring. Haha! I think he liked the attention. I have gone on some dates with older men and it seems they do. Do you know that guy that was on Botched with the big fake lips?
I remember him saying that he loved going in public and having people whisper about him or audibly express their disgust for his plastic surgery. He loved the attention- even if it was negative. I wonder if it’s something like that. I realized that I too may like the attention. Albeit, it was only one date so I am sure it gets tiring after a while, but I had a good time nonetheless and he was a gentleman.
I learned that he grew up in the Bay Area and resented being categorized as “white” when he grew up with mostly Mexican and African American children. He rejected the “Model Minority” stereotype and thought it unfortunate that the Crazy Rich Asians image was being pushed more than the more common Asian American experience like that in the Midwest.
I would definitely go out with him again. He asked me out for next weekend.
It’s still #thirstythursday here in California and it’s that time of year where Tinder is on and poppin’! I change my photos regularly, but haven’t changed my Tinder bio in 3 years! Matches have broken the ice by telling me that my bio makes me unlike the other girls they swipe through. In one day, I had 3 men give me the feedback I have gotten over the years. Have you thought about how people who swipe view your pictures and your”about me” blurb?
This Tinder match got my vibe and that I liked to travel.
Don’t be afraid to show your sense of humor. Some men do this poorly with obscure movie quotes that make them seem like an ax murderer. I made a joke about my competition’s profiles and my dating rules so I don’t come off as stuffy.
Men WILL read what you put on there. It was evident that this man was impressed by me putting down my standards
Do NOT believe the myth that no one reads profiles on Tinder! What these screenshots tell you is that men absolutely do read your bio and it is a tool to intrigue them. It gets them interested in contacting you to potentially set up a date beyond the initial physical attraction they see in your photos. As a woman, I tend to swipe left if a guy is too secretive or has no bio. Even if he’s hot! It gives me the impression that he’s a catfish or is either ashamed of what he does or has something to hide. Men tell me my profile is hilarious, it’s unique, and that I seem interesting. Does your Tinder Profile set you apart from the crowd? I would like to help you think about what vibe you are giving off.
Making a bio is not that difficult if you know who you are and why you are on Tinder. How do friends describe you? Why are you logging in and spending time swiping? My bio is short, sweet and to the point. I believe the character limit is 500 and I have 98 characters remaining.
1. I mention my personality type and:
2. What I will and will not stand for
3. A joke to brighten up my rules- one of which is that I DO NOT give my phone number until after I meet in person. I don’t like randoms to have my number out there. Yes, I could get a Google voice number, but that’s not the point. I am not here for time wasters. Some men argue with me on the phone number deal, but I said it upfront so they have the option to swipe left. If you can’t handle that simple rule, you don’t respect boundaries. That’s a big red flag.
4. Mention my optimistic attitude about my dating experiences.
5. I end with stating the most important quality I am looking for in a man.
Most Importantly are the photos:
I am not going to share my photos because of reverse search LOL! But, I will say that men have told me they like the way I dress in my photos, they can tell I am shy (HOW DO YOU SEE THAT IN A PHOTO I HAVE NO IDEA!) yet despite my shyness, I have a wild streak. I think they can tell that from my mischevious smile. If you look at Princess Diana, she has a similar smile. Did you know that the press gave her the nickname “Shy Di”? Despite her appearing shy, it looked like she was keeping a secret. I went to Kensington Palace this summer and the Diana exhibit stated that she appeared shy in public, but her friends said that privately she was the life of the party.
How to choose a photo for your Tinder Profile:
Think of your pics as the primary way to leavethe first impression. Tinder is a superficial app. You are being judged on your appearance, however, it is true that a picture can say a thousand words. I can’t tell you how many people on and off of Tinder could nail my personality type by just seeing photos of me. Even landlords have asked for online photos of me to see my energy before interviewing me to rent (Yeah, I know. That’s discrimination). I am personally against photos with athletic and workout gear unless you are an athlete and/or working out is an important part of who you are. I swipe left at men who wear Jerseys. It’s too casual and bro-ey for me. No, I do not want to tailgate a Raider’s game with you. Gross. You should have at least one picture where you are dressed up like you are going for a night on the town. Show your prospect that you clean-up nicely. If you are just looking for someone to watch Grey’s Anatomy then fine, post a pic of you in loungewear and yoga pants with a messy bun. Someone may like that. Otherwise:
Use an updated photo or upload photos regularly. It is unfair to use old photos from your younger, thinner days to catfish your date. None of my current photos are more than a year old. Tinder now has a feature that shows all of your matches updated photos across their “timeline”. Those matches who went ghost get those updated photos and re-materialize.
2. Smile. Show your teeth in at least 1 picture. Not every guy wants a shy, mischevious girl like me. Smiling make you seem pleasant to be around, and it makes you seem like an open, honest person with nothing to hide. This goes for men too. Avoid posting serious-looking photos that look like they could be used by the news should you get into trouble.
3. Have at least one full body shot. Both men and women are suspect that you are larger than you may appear if you only upload headshots. Besides, you want a person who loves you for the size you are now, right? Filter out the jerks who don’t want a “large-and-in-charge” mate before you waste your time communicating with them.
4. DO NOT post group photos where your match may think your friend is cuter than you are or may be confused which one in the group you are. I am not sure why people do this. OK, I get it, you may want people to think you are popular with many friends so they want to join the fun. Yet, there are some major jerks who may match with you just to get your friend’s number. You also run the risk that upon meeting, your date realizes you are the other person in the photos. That happened to me one date. I confused a guy for his friend in the photos.
5. Explain whether the child in the photos is your child or not. Don’t leave people guessing whether you have kids. Children may be a dealbreaker for some folks, while others are looking or open to have a blended family. I have been on a few dates with guys who mentioned nothing about having a child in their bio and they certainly did not have a photo. I can understand omitting a photo, but fail to see why a man would keep that hidden in the conversation leading up to the first date.
Last week I had a discussion with my Facebook friends about last minute dates. They really annoy me. A guy messages you wanting to meet up that day or the next day. One one hand, it may seem flattering that he is eager to see you. Yet, there is something to be said about planning a date and the anticipation that comes with it. I don’t know if there is something coded in our genes, but women typically love a man who plans a date- tells you when and where he will romance you. This should not be in the lady’s basket. You may ask her if she has food preferences, but gentlemen, please just PLAN A DATE! You’ll be light years ahead of the basic men out there. Spontaneity is good, but do not let your first impression cast you as someone who is at best, ambivalent about meeting someone or at worst, a fast boy.
I was surprised that men commented on my posts to agree with me- urging me not to go on the date that I was already questioning due to the next-day nature. One male friend said men like that are usually only thinking about sex. Another said, “next thing you know he is going to be texting you at 9pm saying ‘come outside'”. I agreed with their statements, but I am a woman of my word and I already told the man I would be at the coffee shop he chose.
I arrived at the coffee shop early. I sat down and waited a few minutes. I message him through Tinder asking if there was a certain table to meet him at. He messages back. Yeah, I will get their early and tell you where I am. Early? I am early. Then I realize, I am a DAY EARLY for our date. Ugh, I am such a nerd!
So, the next day I met up with the dude at the coffee shop. I was not sure if he was nervous. He seemed to have a little shifty body language. He looked like his picture. He appeared to enjoy an active lifestyle. He had photos of him running a marathon and enjoying hiking. But he completely took me surprise when he spoke! He sounded like a hybrid of Stefon Urkel seducing Laura Winslow and the Catch Me Outside Girl. If you don’t know how that’s possible, neither do I.
I thought to myself, Oh my gosh! Am I that jerk that would judge someone because of their accent? Ugh, I must be a terrible person’. We talked about what he did for a living. He talked about being a math wiz and working his way up to a high position as an engineer in the tech industry. “Oh, do you like your job?” I asked. “I have been in jobs so boring that I understand why people do drugs I added”.
He lowered his head, smiled, and shook his head with a laugh. “I know what you mean, I have been on dates so boring-like we have nothing to talk about. To be honest, the first thing I look for is if I am attracted to the woman. And yes, I find you attractive”. ‘Wait, was I talking about dates because I swore we were just talking about jobs?’I thought to myself. “I mean, sometimes you hit it off and other times, you don’t. I know a lot of women are turned off that I talk ghetto”.
Whew, the elephant in the room has been addressed! I felt so much better once he said something about it. Although, I would not use the word “ghetto”. The thing is that I have heard people speak like that, but they know how to code switch. Also, what was surprising is like the Catch Me Outside Girl, as a half Jewish- half Mexican man, one would not stereotypically associate him with that accent. He said he pretty much grew up in Oakland, had only black friends, and married a black woman. He had such an affinity to African-American culture, that he did not feel at ease in white social spaces. I am not native to the Bay, but I have met native black Oaklanders and they do not sound like that at all, but I digress. I asked why he divorced his wife and he told me he married her because he did not think he could do any better with his life, but once he started advancing his career, he realized he could do better. Hmmph, this is why I tell women, you do NOT build a man.
We spoke about his globetrotting as well as my travels. I found out that he had children. I hate when men don’t put that on their profile. He talked about his house on the hill he owned. He finally started asking me questions and asked what I did for a living. I told him, but I had to get going to another engagement. He said, “Ok, I need to go too but you were talking and I didn’t want to interrupt”.
I was raised in “the church”. I remember when I was in Kindergarten, my grandmother would take me to early morning mass before dropping me off at school. My mom took us to a Baptist church for a minute. When I became a tween, I started going to non-denominational black churches. That is pretty much where I got my church culture from. During my college years, my friends would joke that in my studies abroad, I would find a nice, quiet church boy who would swoop me up and wife me in South America. That time has come and gone.
People say that church is a good place to meet a significant other. That has never been my experience. I have always attracted “worldly men”. I did not know that church *girls* had a reputation until the pastor of a mega church that I attended in San Diego did not approve of the Singles Ministry because he said sinful… I mean single men from the outside would come to the Singles Ministry meetings looking for women to hook up with. It was so bad that the Ministry checked IDs before you could be admitted through the doors so they could trace who you were because apparently, these men were giving the women fake names before smashing and leaving them alone. He said church Singles Ministries are hook up joints and he doesn’t like it. Wouldn’t going to a club be a more fun place to pick up chicks?
You had to be over 27 years old to even go to a Minstry meeting so when I turned 27, I went to my first. It was alright. I didn’t seem like a hookup place to me. Just a lot of divorcees coming together and complaining about their first marriages.
I started going to a Bible study and made friends. It was mostly women, but there was one man who attended. He would defend me in arguments and sometimes look at me for an extended period of time, but I had no idea that he had sexual feelings for me until I moved to the Bay Area and got a late night text months after I left San Diego.
Dude texted me out of nowhere with a FULL FRONTAL SHOWING HIS TWIG AND BERRIES AND TACO MEAT! With the caption “Is it OK to send nudes at night when you’re bored?”
What in the HELL??! No, tacos are like my favorite dish, but your untamed taco meat is not appetizing. How are you going to send me a nude and I never asked for it and never expected it because we are not even talking? Gross! At first, I thought he accidently sent me the pic meant for another Nicole. But no, he kept texting me and went I blocked him, he jumped in my Facebook DMs and asked me if I got his message. Bruh.
No, church is not a good place to meet men.
And men, never send women unsolicited dick picks! It’s akin to a perverted old man going around flashing people.
I am frustrated by the Grimes-Musk-Banks scandal where Musk’s personal poor decisions may lead to his removal from his position and being under investigation by authorities. All three parties lacked common sense. I am even more disappointed in my generation of women who failed to learn a big lesson during our youth in the Bill and Monica Lewinsky scandal.
I once heard the phrase “let someone else pay your stupid taxes”. It’s short for “learn from someone else’s mistakes”. Although Azelia Banks broke the girl code for publically posting text private messages between her and Grimes, Grimes failed to act within proper social decorum and text Banks about the size of Elon Musk’s private parts, his alleged illegal activity, and him posing with a fake South African accent. In a world where text messages can be forwarded and screenshots can be posted for a global audience on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram, it boggles my mind why Grimes would text a fellow public figure- who has a reputation for Twitter feuds-this information.
When dating a public figure (or anyone for that matter), one needs to act with discretion. There should be no sharing of information via text or other media about private parts or private matters- not even to your close girlfriends. This was Monica Lewinsky’s mistake. Now, remember, Lewinsky never blabbed to the public about her affair with Bill. She kept in on the down-low, confiding in who she thought was her close friend, Linda Tripp. Tripp, unbeknownst to Monica, was secretly recording their conversations and even convinced Monica not to get that infamous blue dress dry cleaned. That was the only physical evidence of the affair. It lead to disaster for Monica’s life and criminal impeachment proceedings for the then-President Bill Clinton. Monica was only 23 at the time and was not hip to the saying many African-American mothers tell their children “not everyone is your friend”. She also lived at a time where voice recording was the only threat to one’s personal security. Yet, she was a victim to the relatively new internet cyberbullying.
I believe Lewinsky gossiping about her affair with Bill was out of naivete asking an older woman for advice. However, I am trying to grasp the motivation Grimes had in telling Banks that Elon Musk- one of the richest, powerful and most popular men at this time has a ‘giant member’. It is beyond classless… and foolish. Let’s say Banks did not post the screenshot, but kept that information to herself. Do you think that it would not raise her eyebrow and make Musk more desirable in her eyes? Ha, I can hear the uniform eyebrow raise and lip-licking of women across the world who are now on the prowl-plotting their way to Musk’s path as juicy prey. Grimes, 30, is too old to be this foolish.
Some of the responsibility falls on Musk. Rich and powerful people are people and they make mistakes like everyone else. They also have to be accountable for those mistakes like the rest of us. Many people shook their heads at the odd coupling and I am sure he had friends ask him what are you doing?! Yes, Musk is eccentric, but it was pretty obvious that something was off. From Grime’s texts, she had/has absolutely no respect for him. She’s trying to get pregnant (while on drugs). Musk formerly dated Amber Heard- the girl who got Johhny Depp in trouble (Side: Amber secretly recorded Depp and published photoshopped private text messages). So he has a history of poor decisions in picking women. *SMH, these men*
I do not have any investments in Tesla or any of his companies so take my opinion with a grain of salt, but I totally understand why investors would be concerned about his leadership ability. He may be on drugs, and he is involved with a woman who shares extremely sensitive information who got him on drugs. I would not want him making company decisions.
Let this scandal be a lesson to women. As they say on the street “Be careful who you share your hoeing with” (‘hoeing’ may not be literal whoring, but may mean dirty secrets or socially unacceptable behavior. I also don’t see the term as negative so do not interpret my view as slut-shaming).
Let it also be a lesson to these tech dudes: Be a better picker! Fun and crazy women may be fun for a time, but is it worth prison or millions of dollars in losses. Consider getting a matchmaker if you honestly have no emotional intelligence or common sense to tell the difference between a woman who respects you or wants to use you.